All of life is based on cause and
effect, sowing and reaping. God has success principles that apply to every area
of our life, INCLUDING MARRIAGE. These principles will heal our marriages. God's will is for our marital union to be
joyous and fulfilling--for each marriage partner to be "completed" by
the other. So let's examine some of these marriage-enhancing principles.
I.
Marriage Improvement Principles For Both Husband and Wife:
1.
Overlook faults. Look for ways to praise your spouse (and children). Focus
on the good qualities in her/him. Become an expert in not seeing the bad
points.
2.
Regardless of how bad our spouse is, regardless of how much he/she needs
changing, our mentality, our thinking should be, "God change me, not my
spouse.". . . "Lord,
change my self-pity, my self-righteousness, my attitude, my negativity, my
complaining, my stubbornness, and my selfishness." Change me from being
fault-finding to be "affirming."
3.
Seek inner healing (and deliverance) for the deep hurts in your life, particularly
your childhood hurts.
4.
Force yourself to say "I love you" many times a day to your spouse
(and to the children). It will bless the marriage greatly.
Also both husband and wife should
initiate much non-sexual touching, including holding hands, and even
light affectionate kisses. This will increase your love for each other, and
enhance your sexual life. The sexual act should be oneness in spirit, soul, and
body. A highly satisfactory sexual life will greatly improve your spiritual
closeness, and your communication with each other.
5.
A person's emotional closeness will be given to the one who listens! So be sure
you are the one who listens, not someone else! It will increase your love for
each other. How do you listen better:
(1)
Look up from the TV and make eye contact with your mate. Listen from your
heart. Pay the price. The rewards will be great.
(2)
True listening, includes becoming vulnerable, transparent, and encouraging
corrective feedback from our spouse.
This is the way you find out what pleases or displeases your wife or
husband.
(3)
Make time to talk and listen to each other.
6.
We often need to admit our mistakes, be quick to say, "I am wrong."
and ask our marriage partner to forgive us. I make mistakes. We all make
mistakes. We are all wrong at times, and usually often. We need to admit these
mistakes and ask our mate to forgive us.
7.
We must set our priorities correctly:
(1)
God first. (2) Your spouse second. (3) Children third
(4)
Work fourth. (5) Ministry fifth! (6) Hobbies, sports, TV last.
II.
For Husbands:
1. Wives have an immense need to be listened to.
Ask
wife's advice on important matters. Make decisions together.
2.
We husbands are commanded by the bible to lay down our lives for our wives! Sometimes
this means turning off the TV and just listening to our wife. Or fixing the
screen porch instead of playing golf. "Husbands, love your wives, even as
Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians
3.
IN MARRIAGE THE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE BIG THINGS. For example:
1)
Love by service. Wash Dishes. Clean the house at times. Repair things
IMMEDIATELY. Don't procrastinate.
2)
Remember: birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day, and other special
occasions.
3)
In public, include her in conversation.
4.
Help in raising children.
1)
Give children quality time. Have fun with them. Be interested in them, their
school work, and in their friends.
2)
Back wife up when the children need punishment or "no" answers as the
children will try to play one parent against the other.
5.
Be aware of wife's feelings. Husbands, are we SURE we know the
answer to these questions (WIVES, you can ask yourself similar questions
concerning your husband)?
Does our wife resent us in any way?
Is she disappointed or bored with the marriage? If so, why?
Is she content with the financial
arrangements in the marriage? Is she happy with our part in raising the
children? Is she happy with the amount of time we have alone with each other? Does our wife enjoy sexual relations
with us or just put up with them? Is she happy with how much or little we
express our love and appreciation for her?
Husbands, if our marriage is to
prosper, we need to know the answers to these types of questions listed above.
6.
Gentleness in marriage and in all other relationships is a product of real
strength, a fruit of the spirit. WE NEED TO BE SECURE IN OUR MANHOOD TO
BE GENTLE!
7.
The Husband is the priest or head of the family. Christ's
headship is characterized by laying down His life for us NOT LAYING DOWN THE
LAW, NOT BEING A DICTATOR! The husband's headship should not be like a
dictator, but one of love, sacrifice, and unselfishness. It is his
responsibility to pray for his wife (and children) for their protection and
blessing.
8.
Lovemaking--instructions for men. ALL OF THE BELOW WILL ENHANCE GREATLY
THE QUALITY OF SEXUAL LOVE IN OUR MARRIAGES.
(1)
The vast majority of us men are poor lovers! Read a good Christian book or listen to good
Christian audio or video tapes on this subject. In Hosea 4:6 the Word
says, "My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge." We have much
to learn.
(2)
Sexual intercourse involves more than our body. It includes
our spirit, our soul, and our body.
(3)
Men, almost all of us have a spirit of lust oppressing us (and for many
husbands this includes pornography). This brings uncleanness into your
marriage bed, and usually your wife can feel an evil presence. We need deep
deliverance from these spirits of lust. These spirits will usually be
transferred to our children, even the girls, and sometimes to our wife!
How do you get free? . . .Repent and have
someone pray deliverance and inner healing prayers over you.
(4)
Spend quality time alone together, meals out from time to time, and include a
special date at least once every month.
(5)
Touch her often in a non-sexual way and when she responds, don't try to get in
bed with her.
(6)
We mustn't ignore our wife for hours and then expect her to be amorous. Good communication
throughout the day opens a wife up to sexual closeness and desire. If the
timing isn't right, quickly schedule and agree on a time for love!
(7)
When you do make love, don't rush into it. Wives who are rushed into sex
without ADEQUATE LOVING INTIMACY feel used and violated. Wives, even if very
passionate, normally take much longer to be aroused and need intimacy, and
gentleness.
(8)
Gentleness in words and touch excites a woman, not roughness.
(9)
Concentrate on your wife's pleasure. Ask her what brings pleasure or
displeasure to her, and communicate while making love.
(10)
In lovemaking, if what we do makes our wife unhappy or feel ashamed, don't do
it.
(11)
We must avoid oral sex or anything that is "unnatural", including
violent or rough sex.
(12)
While making love, don't fantasize about other women. It will bring
evil spirits to the marriage bed, and your wife will feel them.
(13)
Be well shaven, take a bath, and have short, clean and well-cut fingernails.
(14)
Use KY Jelly for lubrication. Don't use petroleum products like
Vaseline. They can cause infections.
III.
For Wives:
1.
Your priorities should be:
(1)
God first (2) Husband second (3) Children third (4) Ministry fourth.
2.
Give your husband respect. Disrespect is a controlling mechanism to get your
way. Also it expresses inner resentments and unforgiveness. It is essential
that you deeply forgive him. Much inner healing with self-travail may be
necessary.
3.
Keep a neat house.
4.
Teach children to clean, do laundry, cook, and help with chores.
5.
Lovemaking--instructions for women. Sexual intercourse is holy:
(1)
SELDOM SAY NO to your husband when he wants to make love. Make yourself
available. It will improve your marriage greatly.
(2)
Don't be passive in love-making. Show real interest in it.
(3)
When your husband comes home from work, be dressed in a feminine way, including
perfume that your husband likes.
(4)
There will be much greater spiritual closeness to each other when there is
sexual closeness. There are dimensions of sexual beauty, and unity that few
have entered into. God has a greatly improved sexual life for every one of us.
For
the unmarried, the "singles":
1.
Don't have sex before marriage even with your future marriage partner.
2.
Get pre-marital counseling.
3.
Educate yourself on marriage, including sex in marriage.
4.
Everyone should get inner healing and deliverance before marriage (and
then more during marriage).
5.
Pray for the right marriage partner. He should be a dedicated Christian, preferably
filled with the Holy Spirit. Ask yourself,
"Will
he make a good father? Will he support the family financially? Is he a kind,
good person, or is he hurtful? Does he treat me with respect? Does he have an
addictive habit like alcohol or drugs? Do I really like him as a person? Do I
love him? Does he show interest in other girls or is he faithful to me now? Is
he respectful to his mother?"
A wrong answer to ANY of these
questions is a big warning that he might make a bad marriage partner.
6.
Don't date a person if you know they would make a poor spouse.
7.
Put God first in your life and pray every day.
The
Chappell Ministries, Inc.
P.
O. Box 172
Bartow,
Florida 33831
(863)
533-6656 E-Mail Jchap777@aol.com